First, when I take a step back and sincerely reflect on the many breaths of life I take in every day, the beauty of that act alone is a special gift in itself. Today, at 7 am I will begin the first of three surgeries planned for the summer. Amidst the storms, I am trying to remember to breathe in love while exhaling gratitude for my invaluable and present moment.
A Cardiac ablation procedure is today, and unfortunately, I’m afraid.
To be alive is not the principal fear I have in life. Death is not the greatest fear I have; my biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive and doing it alone. Just being myself is the largest fear today because I believed by pushing loved ones away I would protect them if something would go wrong this summer. Sad, I know.
Second, the profound experience of suffering and the struggles of watching others deal with cancer and heart issues have helped to learn the way I should have been living all along. Its taught me a diminutive humility, it’s taught me dignity and respect for others. Sometimes, for people like me, we need things like this to happen to be able to make the changes and decisions necessary to help us become better people. When we expand, evolve, and stretch ourselves beyond yesterday’s comfort, we grow in the present.
I’m learning to never forget that all people have a heart — people have real stories, feelings and emotions outside of my own. I am not overlooking or dehumanizing the fact that I carry pain or have gone through something others can’t see. I’m acknowledging the power of relationships, communication, and severance that comes with love. My heart may not be firing right today but pushing people away in a time of need has punished everyone including myself.
Deep thinking and non-judgmental reflection will help me move from impact to purpose as I aspire to live a mindfully-centred life. My life is a marathon. My growth and healing are marathons. Today may be a simple surgery but I will not rush any of the healing. If I can do anything for myself and those I love it’s to heal mentally and physically. I acknowledge today, that when I respond from a place of ego and fear, I don’t end up just self-sabotaging my personal growth, health, and relationships ― I end up hurting people. And hurting people and hurting people.
Today is one small step forward. The first surgery. The first step towards self-recovery.
― Brian Nadon